Fear, my guide

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One morning Fear spoke to me. It asked me to continue on, it promised to guide me as a companion. Courage is awaiting me on the other side.

My search for Fearless Living, for an Empowered Life has led me through some muddy waters. Leaving my husband was the most difficult decision I have ever made. When you love someone and yet cannot figure out a way to be happy with them it can shred your heart into pieces. It did for me. Seeing someone I love so hurt because of my decision to continue on in life without him still haunts me at times.

Yet I don’t believe in regret, my decisions have brought me here, and weather I believe that’s a ‘good’ or a ‘bad’ thing doesn’t matter. It’s the only now I have. Sometimes though, it’s gets challenging, like when it’s raining for weeks and you have to sign your divorce papers, send them in to immigration and hope that they don’t kick you out of the country you spent the last 5 years building a life in, buy a van because you decided that’s where you want to live, sell your car cuz you can’t afford both, find a person (who your roommate has to love) to take over your lease, quit your job and find new ways to make money. And then, when you’re already at your limit, your dog/best friend dies. Shit really hits the fan sometimes and it fucking sucks.

There is always more things, more money required, more papers to be signed, more adulating to be done. And I’m not gonna lie, I have thought about calling my parents and telling them since they put me here, it’s quite logically their responsibility to take care of this mess. I didn’t call. I prayed. I meditated, I got back to the only thing I know will help me when I doubt that I can go on, my practice. (Also calling my favorite human on earth to tell me everything will be ok!)

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I asked my fear, I asked my doubt, I asked my paralysis. What do you need me to do? How is this going to work out? How can I help?

And they responded: There is no way around it, you just keep going on, you continue doing your best, not falling back into old patterns, old addictions, old thoughts. You remain as present as you can, you rest when you need to, you remind yourself that in the grand scheme of things everything will be ok. Maybe you drink way too much coffee here or there, maybe you slip in bigger ways, but you get back up, take a big ass breath and go.

For me, all of this requires trust, it requires being able to ask for help and learning to actually accept it. It requires the confidence to remember that we have moved through other things that felt hard, my mom had cancer and we both survived that.

There is no way around the big lessons in life.

– To all my friends who have been consistent rocks. I love you dearly.

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